Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”