the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
You Might Also Like
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
NASA has no chill
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.