GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
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Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.