GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
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“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!