8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
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Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?