GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
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The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
good for her
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.