@MattMcElaney: GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I'd rather be "uncool" than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
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@iwearaonesie: [Bar] me: Gimme one more wife: I think you've had enough m: Last one w: Fine m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
@iLikeCatShirts: When someone tries to tell me they can't do something, I'm like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
@aidanjsears: [my funeral] PRIEST: dearly beloved... *respectful silence from guests* PRIEST: ...and steve ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve