@MattMcElaney: GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I'd rather be "uncool" than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
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@ojedge: [on a first date] "Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year."
@daemonic3: [at Waldo's trial] Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant? Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
@UncleDuke1969: When I have a tough decision, I ask myself... "What would Jesus do?" Then, I remember how things turned out for him... And, flip a coin.
@rachel2manypaws: The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.