GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
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There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.