GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
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Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house