GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie ME: … G: Only u didn't give it to me M: [nervously adjusting thong] I'm having an affair

@steveolivas: Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from "The Walking Dead."

58

@LOUD_Thoughts_: When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

1

@GrantTanaka: "You know the speed limit here, son?" 45 "You know how fast you were going?" 88 "So where you off to in such a hurry?" 1985

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@JKNenagh: Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too? #slapped

1

@Jamdug: I like Horror Movies for the first 20 minutes when everyone is just hanging out and having a good time.

1

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