GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!