Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
You Might Also Like
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Fluff me with a fork baby
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach