me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
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I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.