gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.