gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
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robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
“How’s your day going?”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems