GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves