GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
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Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
concern
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO