*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
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The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
sin harder.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.