*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
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Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
no refunds
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.