GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
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#KarenAndTheCat 😉
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Today’s Times
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.