GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
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If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Found the job I’m suited for
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement