Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
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I hope this email finds you in a well
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
New mindset, who dis?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!