Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
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Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.