Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”