Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.