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@blaha_Who: GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh... I'm sleep walking
@IamEnidColeslaw: my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
@djdarrellripley: Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Him: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.
@HenpeckedHal: Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy's beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don't like to share?
Me: Because I don't like to share.
@robdelaney: My wife claims watching me do karate "isn't foreplay." Why am I even alive.
@NotZaphod: Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.