@blaha_Who: GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh... I'm sleep walking
@13spencer: “If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
@BruceForce: Can't believe Sting isn't the lead singer of the Scorpions
@curlycomedy: Passed a sign that says, "All you can eat, $30/person" but I don't think I can eat $30 worth of people.
@Phook75: My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now
@_wangwe: Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I'm a man. I'm afraid of commitment.