GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
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Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.