GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
See..?
.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity