Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
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The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Everyone’s family
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women