GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
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Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
dutch is not a serious language
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.