If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
You Might Also Like
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
hackers play passwordle
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
dream blunt rotation
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.