Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
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My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?