Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
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[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
#Caturday
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Mmmm canned fish.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner