(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
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Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?