Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine