[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
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I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer