What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
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ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
The game has officially changed 😎
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?