Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub