THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider