*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…