ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
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how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
sugar glider wrangler
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.