Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
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Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.