GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
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I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.