*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
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My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
No chill.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot