Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
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Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.