Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
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remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Finally! 😈
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!