Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
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we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect