Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
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How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?