@Sassafrantz: Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.
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@robdelaney: Woman at drive-thru just called me "honey." Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
@bencoffeehall: Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. Where's Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!
@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. "I'm Bruce Willis" he says. The parrot repeats it. "yeah right" Bruce says, but is secretly worried