@Sassafrantz: Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.
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@MischievousJam: Today seems like the perfect day to make important life altering decisions! - Me, when I've gone two days without sleep
@SadMeterologist: Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
@HrBry: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate