@Sassafrantz: Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.
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@byronblurb: Me: My head hasn't been in the right place lately. GF: You might want to check up your ass.
@BradBroaddus: It's hard to tweet and change the baby's diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
@longwall26: The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
@noog: "I think that kid's a robot" What? "Look at his mouth" Relax they're just braces *backs away slowly* "That's exactly what a robot would say"