ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
@funTweeters
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.