@KeetPotato: ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they're just like "lets stay here and move pots and pans"
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@nbadag: WIFE: can you preheat the oven? ME: you mean heat it WIFE: not this again ME: it can't be heated before it's heated. don't give me that look
@weinerdog4life: The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
@mc_funbags: So you've had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I'm crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
@MelKassel: ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands? VET: where exactly is your dog ME: he's uh coming later