ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.