Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…